20+ moms shared their views on how to respond when your child is disrespectful!
Mrs. Farrukh Sohail, Associate Professor – Kinnaird College.
When you feel your child is being disrespectful to you in any of the following ways: argumenting, ignoring, name calling, yelling, not following rules set by you, bad talking etc, as a mother, you would be alarmed. Why wouldn’t you? You see the child who you gave birth to and is now talking back at you all of a sudden, all grown up. But your reaction shouldn’t be just based on what seems on the outside.Communication is one of the key points of parenting, in fact any relationship for that matter. As a mother, we are very emotionally close and intuitive and we should use that as an advantage. Communication, listening and letting your child know you’re listening, understanding and making them feel that whatever’s on their mind or whatever they’re feeling is important to discuss. Note your child’s progress in school. Talk to their teachers. Is he/she making friends? Is your child getting bullied or is bullying? Is your child wary of a particular relative? Noting changes in behavioral patterns of your child is important. Your relationship with your spouse affects your children. Parents should put in extra effort to make sure the atmosphere at home is a healthy one where your child gets to see their parents debate instead of argue. Talk it out instead of fight.A neglected child often tends to reflect bad behavior. Mothers and fathers both should spend more time with their child, listening to them and sharing words of wisdom.Every outburst, tantrum or fits of rage, drama etc can be controlled and minimized.If the situation gets out of your control, seeking advice from someone or professional help shouldn’t be looked down upon or seen as a taboo.It’s always better to smell the smoke before the flames spread.
Lori Lite. USA
Her Website covers differnet topics on dealing harassed and stressed kids, plays beautifully with their psychology and prepare them for better lifestyle. She has got an amazing followership (47.7 K) because of her heart winnig quality to satisfy parents!
She is a Mom of 3 and helps children, teens, and parents decrease stress, lower anxiety, and control anger.
Try to pre-empt this type of behavior by teaching children peaceful ways to express their feelings of anger and frustration. I just released Angry Octopus Color Me Happy, Color Me Calm . This coloring book helps children become more aware of their feelings and gives alternatives to acting out or losing their temper. It is filled with simple strategies to self-sooth, manage anger, and improve emotional intelligence.
Lead writer for SHE, a non profit organization for women! Sadaf is an Activist, Trainer, blogger and Poet! Thanks for writing to me, your words mean a lot.
Well it is different when you have one kid and quite complicated when you have three. I have had instances where my kids misbehave and while it is still quite a common norm in our society to hit the kid, I’ve tried not to resort to that (not 100% success there though), firstly because I know it is wrong and non-recommended by religion and experts alike and secondly because I know it would make things worse. Having done some reading on parenting has reaffirmed my hunch that it is only through love, patience and empathy that real, lasting and positive change can be accomplished. There are a multiple ways in which my kids misbehave; sometimes they argue and push you to the limits, wanting you to give in to their demands.It does make one lose her patience at times and one tends to get angry and even shout but its best if you keep your cool and observe silence for a while. You have made your point, you have given rationale for it, now if the argument still continues, it can wait until you feel upto discussing it any further. It is a struggle every day though and while what you read and learn about parenting helps a lot, there are times when you feel like real life is so much tougher!It is a new struggle every day though, You feel like youre doing a good job one day and have big doubts the next. Here, the power of prayer and faith in Allah helps a lot.My belief system is that my job is to make an effort to be the best mother that I can be, be there for my kids, help, guide and support them in every possible way but my effort is no guarantee of anything. It is Allah’s rehmat that will ultimately ease my job and make them saleh, obedient and good Muslims. I’ve always respected my children and treat them as wise, intelligent adults so they know that I value and regard their opinion and valid requests. But I do correct them when I see any behaviour issues like disrespect, teasing someone, or being unreasonable. We have strict rules against name calling and teasing as I was very particular not to do it myself or let anyone do it with my eldest. Same goes for bullying.Sometimes kids make it a habit to whine or act cranky all the time. It is best not to give in to their call when they do this. Tell them very politely that you will be answered to when you say the same thing in a proper manner, or in proper words, so they know that this strategy wont work here. Parents need to keep a sense of authority while maintaining friendship with their children so that they know that there are some no-go-areas that are off-limits for them under any circumstances and can have serious repurcussions.Alhumdulillah there is hardly any name calling in our house because we never do it amongst ourselves too, even as a joke, it is said that children dont listen to what you say, they see what you do and imitate or emulate that so it comes back to us really , how we behave, communicate and settle our arguments and issues, how much yelling and name calling do we do or how much do we follow the rules that we have made. all said and done, we are all humans and prone to make mistakes but we all intend well for our children. However we need to develop a culture where we realzie the need to learn and read about parenting as it is a compelte science and an art in itself and many times parents end up learning it through trial and error. Also Islam has the best advice when it comes to parenting in the form of sunnah of prophet(SAW) but we have never sought the guidance in such matters.
I think EVERY PARENT should be given a smile of understanding. It would make the world a better place and parents can parent better without worrying much. Thanks for conducting this discussion!
I got a lot more respect from my kids as they were growing up and now my grandkids with love, finding out what was causing the unacceptable behavior and understanding than taking their things away and putting them in time out. I didn’t want them to stuff their feelings because I punished them when they were having a bad moment or day. Helping them figure out a better way of expressing their feelings and frustration always works for me.
Being mommy is not an easy job, 24/7 duty Alhumdulilahh. Specifically in this era where options of evilness are closer to us and our little munchkins due to these latest gadgets and social media.As a mother of two kids, I feel kids training is most difficult but at the same time a challenging task.Behavioral problems are common with kids specially disrespectful attitude. But Alhumdulilahh my kids only show at times take this leverage with me , but not with anyone else.There can be numerous reasons to it, but mostly any one of these.
- Lack of rest, tiredness etc.. It can be due to lack of sleep, being overburdened or even mood swings.
- “Bhook lagi vi hai” but sometimes they don’t feel like eating or don’t even realize they’re hungry .
- They need something or wanna do something which is not being allowed by me.If it is either of the first two reasons , I totally ignore their attitude and try to feed them as soon as possible or make them go to sleep.For the third one, basically I use 2 strategies.Allow them to make a choice between healthy and better options.The other one is try to change their attention towards some new, a storybook, their all time favorite Tahira’s Kid mag, or a new puzzle game.After the mood pressure comes down, I definitely have a bed talk with them for their past behavior, show some temporary mood off, and a light punishment.But the most important part is for all this exercise, a mother should have a peace of mind along with great treasure of patience. Sometimes we mothers lose our patience and the case of disrespect becomes worse!!
I see parents all the time barking orders at their children instead of saying please and thank you to them and then when the child mimics the parent back at them they are blind to the fact that the child is simply mirroring your behavior. I say to stop the moment it happens and ask them to tell you in a respectful way what has gotten them upset. I don’t go for this taking their favorite thing or multiple important things away in place of finding out what caused the behavior in the first place. Showing that you care how they are feeling will earn a lot more long term respect than punishment. After all, aren’t we supposed to be teaching and guiding them to better behavior by showing that we care how they feel too? Ultimately, they don’t get what they wanted until they ask in a respectful way or if the problem started because they were asked to do something…they still have to do what was asked of them.
We have the house rules posted in our living room. Whenever my daughter or stepdaughter breaks one of them, they have to recite it to us, then write it down 20 times. If they violate a series, then they have to write the series 20 times. They are both 10, but they have only had to do standards twice each. The threat of standards is enough to scare them straight. Anyway, respect is a series rule, so I just point it out to them and ask “Do you want to write that 20 times?”
Naheed Ameel Lahore
Thanks a lot Noor for this!! Yes now a days i have been suffering from all this misbehaving by my daughter!! Some times children do all this. So first of all parent should have patience to handle them. If parents will be yelling then get ready for even worse response from kiddos. Stop them politely instead of shouting on them, I know it’s bit difficult 😜 but we have to!! obviously children learn from their parents. One more important point to raise here is; use words like NO, DON’T so kids realize that they are on wrong track. Be a friend of your children so that they can understand you!! Speak with them politely in every aspect !! Whenever parents lose their temper on their children!! That’s the only way to spoil their personality!
Raising kids is a task which requires a lot of patience and sometimes counseling too. It is very important to understand a child’s nature and treat him or her according to their age. A 3 years old kid will be handled differently as compare to 5 years old but patience is required in all cases.When a child is disrespectfull or arguments or yells then you should tell him this is wrong and at the same time your facial expressions are very important. Very angry expressions with soft words can be enough for child to understand that he has done something wrong and if he repeats, you can stop talking to him for a while which is quite a big punishment for a small kid. Mothers should talk to their kids before bedtime about their day and the kind of attitude he had the whole day.These type of small acts can help a lot in good upbringing of kids.
“Say what you mean and mean what you say” my son knows when I say u will lose that toy if you don’t pick it up. He knows when I say put your clothes in the laundry room or they don’t get washed. He is 6! And I’m proud to say everyone who meets him comments on his prefect manners and thoughtfulness . He takes off his hat when he enters a room and when he sits at a table. He will remind others to do so. He knows if he puts it on side ways or backwards I WILL throw it away. (he knows because I have done it) YES I am one of those tough parents. BUT I want a functioning adult as he grows up. I am also that mom who hugs all the time , that says I love you lots. And I always praise when his bed is made in the morning. I’m the first to tell him when he has done a good thing and that im proud of him. I’m NOT his best friend or his babysitter , IM his mom, I tell him my job is to teach him to be able to make smart choices when I’m not there to decide for him! Children are not born with common sense, we teach it to them.
Discipline is important, but a lot of the time children aren’t really misbehaving, even when it seems like they are, they’re behaviour is often just misunderstood. A lot of the time parents just need to understand why their children are behaving however they are, and then sort out whatever the problem is.
I have a 20 year old daughter, a 27year old step daughter that I’ve ‘raised’ since she was 4 and now a granddaughter who is 3.For me it was constant and I mean Constant follow-through. Punishment is WORK, a LOT of work. If you put them in time out (when they are little) and they get up, you MUST put them back, put them back, put them back, again and again. It is usually a battle of wills and if you allow them to take the upper hand, you’ve lost the battle and the war. If you take something away, you Must stick to it, Idle threats are a parents biggest mistake. If you say something will happen to them or they will lose something if their behavior does not changes you HAVE TO Stick to that threat. Follow Through is KEY, even with teenagers. I STOP talking to my daughter when she is rude, I don’t speak a word to her, except in response to general hello, etc, very short and curt. I don’t do laundry and I do not discuss daily day to day things. Then I CALMLY explain to her that I will NOT tolerate her disrespecting me, I will NOT tolerate being spoken to like her friends, i will NOT allow rude thoughtless behavior and if she wants me to respect ANYTHING About her life/lifestyle, things, clothes, food, than she better respect me. Respect is Earned, just like trust and if she wants me to be respectful and speak to her with love and interest, I Demand that from her. We have a fantastic relationship, she is 20 and we have almost NEVER argued, yes we disagree and I have my own opinions as does she, but no one is Rude in my house, ever!
Megha Arora Mudhar New delhi, India
When child misbehaves with parents, parents should not decide some punishment all of the sudden. Give them a warning, and a NO gesture. Children never get positive when harmed nor spoken loud. Firstly parents should try to handle situation softly camly daily counseling with their children, they should try to realize what’s happening in their life, what kind of friends he has been connected to at school, behave as his friend so that children never hide anything if this step doesn’t work and they go on misbehaving then get counseling from some experts.
There are no other means of how parenting must be.. but it is simply how you are as a person . Your children will always be like you no matter what. If you are showing them bad habits then they’d think they are good deeds that they must also practice. I am a single mom of 2 young boys. I show them what to do and tell them I will expect them to do the same .. I also practice the reward and punishment method. No spanking but punishment in a sense that if they forgot to clean their dishes they won’t have anything to eat later. And I’m not kidding.
Children: Time out room. Gonna put you in here for a few minutes, and we’ll see then if you’re ready to stop mouthing off. If not, you can stay in here longer. Doesn’t matter to me how long it takes. And no, you can’t have your phone while you’re in there.
Teenagers: They’re supposed to be insolent and rebellious, it’s part of becoming an adult. Let most of it roll off your back. When they get personal, you get personal. Take away things that matter to them. Driving privileges, cell phone, pocket money. Give them back when they actually start acting like the adults they want to be treated as.
Never never never hit a child, ever. We’ve got too many people who think might makes right as it is. Don’t make another one.
I am a angry parent. Most times I am calm and soft spoken, but other times I am yelling, aggressive and exhausted. I have 5 kids, my oldest is in college, honor student since 1st grade, never a behavior problem in school, she had disrespectful tendencies but not like my 12 year old, parts of me wants to knock his head off and other parts wants to protect him. He is currently being treated for his heart, brain tumor and seizures. He was a jerk before the diagnosis. It is embarrassing in public for him to act that way. He isn’t over the top, but to me he is. He talks to most adults as if he is superior to them. He has no filter (although he is right 80%) of the time, he is still a child and should act that way.He is very smart, but when his gestures, attitude, and mouth are borderline disrespectful I lose it and I hate he can take me out of character. My other three can be a handful at times but it is to be expected they are 6,6, 8….they clean their rooms, thoughtful, and very good in school. My 12 year is an A student, but his behavior is just unpredictable, he was previously ADHD. He makes me feel bad after I yell at him, but he doesn’t listen otherwise. Example:
I would go to the kitchen and wash dishes. I told him to turn on the lights so you can see, his response I don’t need the lights. I ask him the steps in washing properly he says he don’t know, but this is not his first time. When I initially told him to wash dishes (mind you the entire family is cleaning) he starts throwing pillows and taking his frustration out on his younger brother. After the whole ordeal , he cries while washing dishes, I told him to cut the crap. He wants to be sensitive when doing normal chores. Our whole family avoids him. Every time someone tries to talk to him he says leave me alone, I don’t want to be here, stop talking to me. He has bullied his teacher at one point or another and she is a wonderful teacher….with ALOT of patience. I am still working on mine. What to do?
I take all privileges away. My sons want to be jerks, then I am a bitch.At 14 and 17, they KNOW that if they are disrespectful, they will be treated with just as much disrespect as they treat me with. If that means that I am mean, then I am mean.When they were little, a respectful attitude was instilled in them, and they never had a problem. A pop on the butt, or simply counting to 5 usually ended any disrespectful behavior. As they get older, and pushier, I deal on their level. I will say this, though. Even in my oldest’s son’s most disrespectful outburst, he will deal with any other person than a family member with the utmost respect. So my battle is half over.
You can’t treat disrespect by showing the child disrespect….as the ‘teacher”, the child needs to learn what respect is by seeing it and experiencing it. They need to be calmly taught that disrespectful behavior is not tolerated and there are consequences if they choose that behavior. The consequence depends on the age of the child and what works. That means they lose something meaningful and they earn it back by showing respectful behavior.
My 6 year old is negative all the time. I have taken to making her say two positive things about a person that she is being negative about. If its just negative behavior she goes to time out and has to come up with 3 positive ways to express herself.
I always tried to find out the underliying cause with my kids and it worked. I can count on both hands how many times they were disrespectful and it was usually because they were tired, hungry or feeling hurt or frustrated about something I wasn’t aware of. I continually gave them better ways of expressing what was happening to them. It worked for me.
When my kid is disrespectful I give him a warning then put his favorite toy on time out until he can apologize and ‘turn things around.’ He can have his toy back when he is respectful for a predetermined amount of time – like until dinner is over. He earns his toy back through respect.
We started putting his toys on time-out because he doesn’t take time out seriously if he’s already being disrespectful. It is too easy for him to get up and make a ‘game of it.’ He always takes his favorite toy being on time out seriously. That way we hold the power – which is important for us when trying to turn his behavior around.
Well i’am from the Bahamas and we do it different. You spear the rod you spoil the child,my 16yr old he reads the expressions on my face and he knows mom will take it up a notch. Children need boundaries i love u but this is what happens wen u step out of your shell, I’am never called 2 come @ his school for misbehaving.
I have lived in places where old people would approach a parent and suggest they smack a child misbehaving in public , and societies where if you tried to hit a child in public, most passers by would directly intervene to prevent you doing so. If you grew up in either of these polarised societies you often end up adopting the belief without question ..
Nobody ever thinks their beliefs are wrong .. because frankly that would make you really stupid to do something you believed was wrong … but sometimes a challenge to fixed beliefs and values can be highly illuminating ..I have had such an experience and can categorically say that not hitting your kids is a far superior approach to parenting regardless of how problematic your children are … and I have worked with some of the most difficult kids you can imagine and never had to resort to physical punishment .